Thursday, April 16, 1981
Got up early and it looked beautiful out, but I’m in this period where I think, What is it all about? You do this and what does it mean, and you do that and what does it mean? Really I’m in a strange period, I put off telling the Diary about my emotional problems because last Christmas when I was having all the fights with Jed and he moved out, I couldn’t face talking about it, and now I’m living alone and in a way I’m relieved, but then I don’t want to be by myself in this big house with just Nena and Aurora and Archie and Amos. I’ve got these desperate feelings that nothing means anything. And then I decide that I should try to fall in love, and that’s what I’m doing now with Jon Gould, but then it’s just too hard. I mean, you think about a person constantly and it’s just a fantasy, it’s not real, and then it gets so involved, you have to see them all the time and then it winds up that it’s just a job like everything else, so I don’t know. But Jon is a good person to be in love with because he has his own career, and I can develop movie ideas with him, you know? And maybe he can even convince Paramount to advertise in Interview, too. Right? So my crush on him will be good for business.
Excerpt from The Andy Warhol Diaries © The Andy Warhol Foundation. Used with permission.